It starts like it always does.

She sat across the table, cigarette dangling,
like she knew something the rest of us didn’t.
She smiled like she'd tasted God and spit him out,
and I thought, there’s someone worth knowing.

She had stories.
Oh, they all have stories—
ex-lovers who stole cars,
drunken nights that ended with broken teeth
and fistfights under neon lights.
Her laugh was whiskey in a glass,
low, warm, just dangerous enough.

For weeks, she was everything.
We drank, we talked, we pretended.
About what, I can’t even tell you now.
I was fascinated—
she could hold court in a dive bar
like a queen of dirty saints,
telling stories about broken men
with broken dreams
and broken spines.
She liked her truths ugly,
because they were real.

But eventually, you’ve heard it all.
You’ve seen the same smirk in every photo.
The stories start looping—
the car thief ex-lover becomes just a guy,
the broken teeth are just bad decisions,
and the fistfights just get old.

The magic wears off.
She tells the same joke she told the first night,
and I laugh, but only because it’s easier
than saying,
"you’re interesting, until you’re not."

Her voice becomes static.
Her smoke, suffocating.
And you’re left staring at her
in some late-night bar,
wondering what changed.

But you know.
You always know.

It wasn’t her—
it was you.
It’s always you.

You’re the one who gets bored.
You’re the one who chews through the shine,
spits out the bone,
and moves on.

And there’s nothing worse than knowing
that someone who once lit you on fire
is now just ash
on your sleeve.

You order another drink,
she laughs that same whiskey laugh,
and you realize—
this is how it ends.

Not with a fight.
Not with a word.
But with a silence
that stretches too long,
and a thought you don’t say aloud:
"You're interesting... until you're not anymore."

And you walk out,
because it’s easier
than staying.

Looking back at the 'me' from 18 or 19 years ago in this blog makes me wonder... what happened to that person?

Did he change? Or did someone else change him?

Back then, I was full of ideas, doing cool things that felt alive and vibrant. Now, it feels like everything has become stale, filled with the mundane. Sure, life wasn't all that grand back then either, but at least it had life.

What happened?

Remember that idea you used to have—going back in time but keeping all the knowledge and skills you have now? Imagine what you could achieve. Instead of wishing to return to your younger self (which is tough, given the experiences you've gained), why not focus on improving what needs improvement and building a better version of yourself?

Being in and out of relationships doesn't mean it's the end of the line. Keep pushing forward. Stand taller and stronger.

You’ve got this.

You could absolutely break my heart, that's how I know that we're in love. I don't need the symbol of a scar so put down the knife we're not swapping blood. Isn't it enough that we stripped down to our skin?Cold and porcelain like bathers in a painting.

And I told you of your past lives, every man you've ever been. It wasn't flattering but you listened like it mattered. I feel crazy in ways I never say.

Will you still love me if it turns out I'm insane? I know what you'll say but it helps to hear you say it, anyway.

Some October, in the future I'll run out of trash TV and I'll be feeling lonely so I'll walk to karaoke, sing the song you wrote about me, never once checking the words. I hope that no one sings along. I hope that I am not a regular.

Damn, that makes me sad. It doesn't have to be like that

If you rewrite your life, may I still play a part?

In the next one, will you find me?

I'll be the boy with the pink carnation pinned to my lapel who looks like hell and asks for help and if you do, I'll know it's you. I can't imagine you without the same smile in your eyes. There is something about you that I will always recognize and if you don't remember I will try to remind you of the hummingbirds, you know the ones ? (I know the ones)

And the baby scorpion and the winter lunar halo and the walk we took in the redwoods.

I could go on and on and on and I will. Go on and on and on until

It all comes back

Are you one of those people who'll mark your calendar with upcoming events. Full of anticipation & excitement, waiting anxiously for the time to come?
That is what's happening in the world right now. 

"While I breathe, I hope"

Beauty
by Isaac Wimberley

I have spent a large majority of my life looking at paintings
Moments of time and segments of the universe captured on different shapes and sizes of canvas
I become mesmerized by the subtle stroke of the brush
The way the artist so delicately depicts areas and aspects to scale
To the point that my heart feels a sudden rush
As if I could reach my hand out and touch every last detail
As if this was a dream
Caught up in the scene
I find my heart slipping further and further into love

This is a story of my bent
I prefer shadows

This is not a conscious decision that I resolved to make
To be honest, images are just easier for me to take
Easily digested, I could chew all day
And eventually be able to wrap my mind around what the picture is trying to say

So I stare
I stare deeply into the deepest point of the portrait
Thinking that the pain of this world around me will somehow let go
Hoping that somehow this paradigm will satisfy my soul

But I end up empty
I end up thirsty
Longing for a drink
And once again I return, crawling to Your feet
Broken, ashamed, desperate for relief
I have chased creation to its end and wound up on my knees
Begging for forgiveness while hoping You can’t see me
Because I know the truth about me

I know that You have delivered for my every need
But I also know that as soon as You give me manna, I start demanding meat
I know that You have been my Protector through pain and suffering
But I also know how quickly my heart asks where You are as soon as I can’t see the path beneath my feet

So don’t look at me
I can’t stand the sight of me
So how can You, in Your infinite glory, allow me to be in Your presence?

Yet You
With a voice that calms the sea of anxiety in my soul
Tell me to look up
And Your eyes
That see right through me
Tell me that You knew me
And I behold You in all Your beauty
And I’m satisfied
A heart that has constantly tried to find its purpose in everything else in life finally resides at rest

Because Your beauty is much more than infatuation
Your beauty provides my soul with satiation
Beauty that transcends to give Your children definition
For in Your presence I can clearly see that I’m not defined by my sins
My life is not marked by my bents
Because when I look into Your face the world grows strangely dim
And I fall in

You’re all that I see
All that I know
A son returning to his Father and a Father meeting him on the road
Welcoming me home
And before I can utter the words “I’m sorry”
You tell me that You already know

You know me
The real me
The me that I’ve been both chasing and running away from my entire life
So scared that if you were to cut me open with a knife
That disgust and darkness would be the color I would bleed
And that You would be embarrassed that You chose to ransom me

Yet that’s the me You know
That’s the me You love

So I give up
I give in
And I extend my broken, desperate, calloused skin to touch the edge of Your robe
And even just the fringes brings healing to my soul
For what seems like the first time in my life I see You as beautiful
Wholly, completely enough
No longer am I staring at empty promises painted on pointless portraits
But instead I’m peering into pure love

You are better than the things that I’ve been chasing
You are beautiful
You are my joy in the trials that I am facing
You are beautiful
Peace to my storm, stronger than my addiction
Help in my time of need, comfort in my affliction
You are beautiful
And You will forever be

So fix my eyes to consistently see
Cause my mind to constantly think
Give my heart a new song to sing
Fill my lungs so that they always breathe
You
For You are beautiful

"If there are words for Him then I don’t have them
You see my brain has not yet reached a point
Where it could form a thought
That could adequately describe the greatness of my God
And my lungs have not yet developed the ability
To release a breath with enough agility
To breathe out the greatness of His love
And my voice, my voice is so inhibited
Restrained by human limits
That it’s hard to even send a praise up
If there are words for Him then I don’t have them

My God...
His grace is remarkable
Mercies are innumerable
Strength is impenetrable
He is honorable, accountable, and favorable
Unsearchable yet knowable
Indefinable yet approachable
Indescribable yet personal
He is beyond comprehension
Further than imagination
Constant through generations
King of every nation

But...
If there are words for Him then I don’t have them
You see my words are few
And to try and capture the one TRUE God
Using my vocabulary will never do
But I use my words as an expression
An expression of worship to a Savior
A Savior who is both worthy and deserving of my praise
So I use words
My heart extols the Lord
Blesses His name forever
He has won my heart, captured my mind
And has bound them both together
He has defeated me in my rebellion
Conquered me in my sin
He has welcomed me into His presence
Completely invited me in
He has made Himself the object of my sight
Flooding me with mercies in the morning
Drowning me with grace in the night
But
If there are words for Him then I don’t have them
But what I do have…Is Good News
For my God knew that man-made words would never do
For words are just tools that we use
To point to the Truth
So He sent his son Jesus Christ as THE WORD
Living proof
He is the image of the invisible God
The firstborn of all creation
For by Him all things were created
Giving nothingness formation
And by His word He sustains, in the power of His name
For He is before all things and over all things He reigns
HOLY IS HIS NAME!!
Praise Him for His life
The way He persevered in strife
The humble Son of God becoming the perfect sacrifice
Praise Him for His death
That He willingly stood in our place
That He lovingly endured the grave
That He battled our enemy
And on the third day rose in victory
Praise Him because He rose!!
Hallelujah He rose!!
He is everything that was promised
Praise Him as the risen King
Lift your voice and sing
For one day He will return for us and we will finally be
United with our Savior for eternity
So it’s not just words that I proclaim
For my words point to the WORD
And the WORD has a name
Hope has a name
Joy has a name
Peace has a name
Love has a name
And that name is Jesus Christ
Praise His name FOREVER!"

- Isaac Wimberly

Suddenly you realized, out of a sudden, that you're falling. And the scariest thing is that you really can't help it. But out of that realization too, out of that instant, you know that it won't matter who she's gonna be with, who she'll choose or whether she's feeling the same. The only thing that matter is she's happy. That is all. That's what you've been praying for all this time, right? Another sacrifice, another bit of your heart ripped off from it's not so perfect form. Whatever's left of it anyway.
But then, knowing her, being with her, seeing that smile, was the best thing that you could recently afford. If only you could bottle a smile and drink of it's warm happiness whenever you feel like shit, it would really make your day.
She's not perfect, but so are you. Whoever among us are worthy enough to cast the first stone? Be there, whenever, wherever if you can, as long as she doesn't feel alone.

And it starts, sometime around midnight.
Or at least that’s when you lose yourself for a minute or two. As you stand, under the bar lights. And the band plays some song about forgetting yourself for a while. And the piano’s this melancholy soundtrack to her smile. And that white dress she’s wearing. You haven’t seen her for a while. But you know, that she’s watching.

She’s laughing, she’s turning. She’s holding her tonic like a cross.  The room’s suddenly spinning. She walks up and asks how you are. So you can smell her perfume. You can see her lying naked in your arms.

And so there’s a change, in your emotions. And all these memories come rushing like feral waves to your mind.
Of the curl of your bodies, like two perfect circles entwined. And you feel hopeless and homeless and lost in the haze of the wine.

Then she leaves, with someone you don’t know. But she makes sure you saw her. She looks right at you and bolts. As she walks out the door, your blood boiling your stomach in ropes. Oh and when your friends say, “What is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Then you walk, under the streetlights. And you’re too drunk to notice, that everyone is staring at you. You just don’t care what you look like, the world is falling around you.

You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.

You know that she’ll break you in two