i've experienced it - what, five times already? - but the choking pain still as killing as the first time. "don't ever care too much" - that's the key. but how can you not to? that's the core for something like that to build up. the carelessness maybe, or the over protective, or maybe just the bored habit kicked in? or maybe... maybe,because of someone else? i just hope all of this to finish up quickly so the pretending will end, quick-sharply, like slitting my throat with a sharp blade...

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd...

~ Alexander Pope ~

Happy b'day 2 me... and the Bond Girl

Feels like you're miles from here, in other towns with lesser names, where the unholy ghost doesn't tell Mary or William exactly what they want to hear. You remember the house on Ridge Road? Told you and the Devil to both just leave me alone. If this is salvation, I can show you the trembling. You'll just have to trust me... I'm scared.

I am the patron saint of lost causes.Aren't we all to you just near lost causes? Aren't we all to you just lost...

Tommy, you left behind something that will mean everything right before you die. What if you gained the whole world? You've already lost four little souls from your life. Widows and orphans aren't hard to find. They're home missing daddy who's saving the abandoned tonight. Wish your drinking would hurry and kill you. Sympathy's better than having to tell you the truth.

That you are the patron saint of lost causes. All you are to them is now a lost cause. All you are to them is now, causes.

Billy, don't you understand? Timothy stood as long as he could and now you made his faith disappear more like a magician and less like a man of the cloth. We're not questioning God. Just those he chose to carry on His cross. We're no better, you'll see. Just all of us, the lost causes...

Aren't we all to you just lost causes? Are we all to you lost? Lost causes... So all we are to you, is all we are, is all we are, all we are is all we are...

Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?

Take what you will, what you will and leave. Could you kill, could you kill me if the world was on fire and nothing was left but hope or desire and take all that I could bring forth, is this hell or am I on the floor over-desperate? Hold hands streaming of blood again? And then take full weight of me. Guard my dreams, figure this out, it's me on my own. Helpless, hurting, hell. Will you stay strong as you promised? Cause I'm stranded and bare. Meanness is washed up in all that I am with is God. Take this and all, then grace takes me to a place of the Father you never had, ripping and breaking and tearing apart. This is not heaven, this is my hell...